One day soon after I came home from the hospital I was resting on the couch. The CD player was playing softly. A group of young people were singing heartily, "All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give". The words grabbed my attention. ALL. FREELY GIVE. I wonder if they really realize what they are saying? Sure, what Christian wouldn't say that? That is the right thing to say. How often did I sing that song, but didn't realize the depth of the words I was singing? The attitude of my heart was right at the time, but I didn't understand the depth of the words. Now Jesus was asking for my health, and I did not want to surrender it.
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Chest Pains
After several weeks I started having some definite discomfort in my chest area. It wasn't bad enough that I could call it pain, just some discomfort sometimes. It scared me pretty bad. What is going on? I talked to the cardiac rehab nurses about it. Peggy wondered if it's worse when I exercise. "No", I said, "that doesn't seem to make it worse. Actually it doesn't seem to bother me as much then as when I am resting." She didn't think it sounded like a heart problem and suggested I take Tums and see if if that helps. It did, so she said I should take Prilosec, which is an antacid that I would have to take only once a day. I had a visit with Dr. Wilcox to get a prescription for Prilosec. She said so many people take it, it's almost like handing out candy! My discomfort/heartburn/acid reflux (or whatever) was likely a result of all my medications. Anxiety probably contributed to the problem too. I talked with her about my anxiety and fears. She said she could give me something to help me. I told her I would rather not at this time. I was already feeling somewhat better. I knew if I could take my thoughts captive, with the Lord's help, I would be able to overcome the anxiety. Her caring kindness helped too. After several months I was able to get off the Prilosec again.
To this day I still get pretty scared whenever I feel discomfort, muscle twitches, or anything in my chest area. I told my husband I never know anymore if what I am feeling is heartburn or not. I cannot feel the difference.
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Taking care of Michael
Michael was 12 days old when I went to the hospital. All of a sudden his care fell on others. That was hard for me to accept. I love the newborn stage. Most days they brought him along to the hospital. Even though I wasn't able to do much with him, I enjoyed having him there. At night Irene and Annetta took care of him. He was a very good baby. We were so thankful for that. Our last three babies were very fussy. It seemed so strange to go to bed early and let the girls put the baby to sleep. It didn't feel right at all, but at the same time I really didn't care. Like I wrote before, I had lost those motherly feelings. It was almost as if he were someone else's baby. My body had gone through a shock and was in survival mode. I had to make a conscious effort to regain those "motherly feelings". I didn't want him to bond with someone else, so I tried to be the one to give his bottle and change his diapers etc. After a week and a half I felt able to take care of him again at night. It made me pretty nervous. I wasn't used to giving formula and had to figure out all that. We were boiling all the water. At first we warmed his bottles. How do you do that? Microwaving isn't recommended. It takes a long time to warm if you set it in hot water, which is what the girls were doing at night. To make it easier we decided to put warm water in a thermos, then I could mix the formula when he woke up. So we moved his crib back to our room. I fed him and rocked him to sleep that evening. We made sure we had all the supplies we would need during the night, then went to bed. Do you think I could sleep? NO! I tried to, but I was aware of every little stir that he made and thinking about how to get his bottle ready etc etc. He slept pretty good, but I did not. Finally at 3:00 I took him over to the girls and told them, "I am sorry, but I need to get some sleep too, and I simply cannot sleep with him in the room." We made a little nest for him on the floor of their room. I don't remember, but he probably didn't wake up the rest of the night for them. We kept his crib in our room and eventually I learned to sleep again. Dr. Wilcox told us a lot of people do not warm up the formula bottles. It did not seem right, but we soon stopped warming up his milk and gave it at room temperature. It didn't seem to bother him and when he was older he didn't like it warmed up.
And by the way, he did bond with me, and definitely knows who his mother is! :)
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